Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Ok. Time for some tough love

I know you guys aren't feeling well (I get it, I'm sick too).  And I know some of you are really, really, really busy. But we all agreed to this blog, and to a day on which we were supposed to post. I don't know where you guys have all been, and I really hope you guys are ok, but me and Cheyanne can't keep this blog going all by ourselves. I'm not trying to be mean, I skip too sometimes, and sometimes I'm just late and I don't always post when I'm supposed too. But please get it together guys, we need you to post. Even if you post late, or if all you post is a short paragraph or a picture and a smiley face letting us know you're alive! Please post something!

Ok, sorry about that.

I turned 18 this week : ) Can't say we did any thing terribly exciting, I haven't had a birthday party since I got sick. But this year at least we figured out how to make a liquid birthday cake. Usually we just forget the whole idea because I can't eat solids, but this year we took some cake batter and poured it in a glass dish (like you would pudding or something), and then we drew "Happy Birthday" on top with frosting.  : P

Yeah, ok.... I still threw up, and to be honest all the sugar made me feel terrible! But it was worth it! I got to have a birthday cake! : ) Well sort of....
You guys get it.
 Liquid diets can be fun if you have imagination.

I had a pretty good birthday this year though, and Hannah - thanks again.

 I even had my tube out because my throat was bothering me, my stomach was bothering me, and it was time to switch to a new tube anyway.. So I got to enjoy a little freedom for a while. ; )

I wish I had something really profound to say lol but I don't. I'm sure you guys (especially those sick and homebound) have the same conflicts that I do over my birthday. Its really hard for me to explain, I guess for those of you who are homebound, I don't really have to explain, but for those of you who aren't - It feels like I've lost/missed so much, and a birthday is just a reminder of how much time has gone by and how much, exactly, that I've missed. It reminds me that I'll never get back that time that I've missed, I'll never do those things or make those memories I always wanted to.
 It feels like there's this part of me that wants to stop time, or maybe rewind it and go back and relive everything. Only as someone who is healthy. So having a birthday just frustrates me, its like going in the wrong direction, I want to go back. But I know I can't go back, and even if I could, it would be wrong. God has a plan, and as painful as this trial is, if I don't go through it God won't be able to mold me into who I'm supposed to be.  So I have these mixed feelings about it that drive me crazy, and a birthday doesn't help anything.
 And it feels like you have to earn a birthday. I said that before, and I know thats crazy... but thats honestly what I feel. Its like I was supposed to earn my 18th birthday, just like I was supposed to earn my 17th, my 16th, and my 15th birthdays. I was supposed to earn them by accomplishing things, making memories, building relationships with people. Does that make sense? But I didn't. At least not the way I wanted to. Being sick I accomplished things, but not the things I wanted to. Being sick I made memories, but definitely not the memories I wanted to. Being sick I did build relationships, but I have lost almost all of the relationships I used to have. All those people I used to know before I was sick are gone, they aren't in my life any more, and if they really cared about me they would have made an effort to stay in my life, but they didn't. And it hurts. The relationships that I have built are all.... I don't know how to describe it... artificial? They are relationships I have built through my computer and cell phone. Don't get me wrong, I love to text, email, instant message, and Skype (although I don't get to Skype very often). But its not the same at all as actually being with a person. Someone you can see, hear, feel, touch, and hold. Its not the same. At all!
To be honest the only relationship I have left that's different, the only one that's not artificial, the only one that was there before all of this started, is my relationship with God. And in the end, that's really what makes everything worth while. I wouldn't trade my relationship with God for anything, its the most precious thing that I have. I wouldn't even trade it for those years, those memories, or those people that I lost. I would give them all up again if I had to. The truth is that for everything I've lost I've gained something much more valuable, and for everything I've gained I've lost something I can never get back. I guess I should just be able to choose which way to look at it, but its never that simple. Sometimes I'm happy about what I've gained, sometimes I'm upset about what I've lost, and some days I'm both or I'm completely confused and I don't know what to feel. I guess God still has a lot of work to do on my heart - lol but I hope that helps you guys understand.

Umm.... otherwise besides my birthday not much has happened. : / We have told my GI doctor about my hair falling out, and he supposedly sent some lab slips for some blood tests but we haven't gotten them yet. My shedding has actually slowed down a little bit over the last week. I'm still shedding a ton every day! But at least I don't (usually) get a whole handful every time I run my hands through my hair. I don't know if thats a good thing, or if I've just lost so much hair that now that it just appears like less is falling out because I don't have that much left anymore, at least not compared to the amount of hair I used to have.
I also have a physical coming up soon. I haven't seen my primary doctor in a long time, but she was sweet enough to call and wish me happy birthday! I was not expecting that at all! This is also the doctor who figured out I had Dysautonomia. 

I hope you guys are doing ok, and I really miss reading your posts!

Jesus loves you.

- Logan

P.S. I like to post late at night on Tuesday (which is my day).. but sometimes depending on how long it takes me to write a post I end up posting after midnight.. so my post technically says Wednesday. I hope nobody minds and that it isn't confusing, I do this alot but I always sign my name to avoid confusion. : /

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